Tuesday, 27 June 2017

Our Silent Miscarriage

Today as I write this it's Wednesday 7th of June 2017.  It is a day that will be etched in my mind forever, we thought we would be coming home and excitingly deciding how to break the news that we are pregnant to our friends and family over this next week.  Our biggest excitement was telling Rich's son that he would have a baby brother or sister on the way but that won't be happening now.  Today was meant to be the day that we finally got to meet our baby at my 12 week scan.  Prior to this I have written blog posts documenting my pregnancy so far, they will now all sit forever in a space online, unpublished.  Instead I am documenting something else, that is the start of a miscarriage.  

 
My boyfriend Rich and I went to the hospital today for our 12 week dating scan.  I've been very nervous and tearful since yesterday.  Rich is a positive person and didn't seem to show any concern.  I had started to become concerned when I had continued to do the stupid cheap pregnancy tests on the weeks leading up to the scan and the most recent ones had been fainter than before (see below photo.)  My pregnancy in general however had been pretty much perfect, sore boobs, a little sick feeling but no vomiting, my chubby tummy had started to get a little more chubby.   Having tried to conceive with my then husband for six years unsuccessfully, conceiving with Rich after 8 months of trying seemed like a dream with my perfect man.  

 
I walked into the ultrasound room and was tearful already but I did as she asked and climbed on the bed.  I already knew about missed miscarriages (also known as silent miscarriages) but as I hadn't had as much of a drop of blood in my knickers since the day I found out I was pregnant at six weeks, I was hoping that this was in my favour.  As I am fairly fat (call a spade a spade here) I was concerned she wouldn't be able to detect the baby from my stomach due to the baby still being small and as she searched around in there I started to get more worried as she wasn't talking.  Eventually she said she couldn't find it and would need to do an internal scan so off came my pants and underwear and I'm lying on the bed again.  The internal scan was fine, no problems at all but her silence made me tear up, eventually I saw our sweet little baby, no where near the size it should have been and I just knew then, this is where the nightmare is about to play out.  She looked and fiddled about and then turned to me and said the words you never think you'll hear "I'm sorry Karen but your baby has no heartbeat.  It's measuring only 7 weeks 3 days" or words to that effect as I honestly think I went into a daze, she was actually choked up when she said it.  I looked at Rich at the bottom of the bed and he's crying, I cried more.  This is the nightmare I had been worrying about, coming true before my eyes.  

The sonographer said that we would go into a private room and a midwife would talk to us.  I got up off the bed and stood there with no pants or underwear on hugging Rich - I didn't care - nothing mattered.  I got dressed and we were ushered into a room that I will now refer to as "the sad room."  It's the room that people go to that's not got cute babies or any maternity related stuff on the walls.  They're bare with just extension numbers and office bits on a noticeboard.  We sat and waited, I was definitely dazed and although there was no heartbeat I was still wondering if the pregnancy had completely failed.  I pretty much knew the answer when the midwife came in, just by the look on her face.  She said things to me that actually didn't comprehend but I knew the tone of her voice that it was not good news.  She said about having another scan in a week just incase the baby had developed further but sounded very doubtful and told me that I would likely expect cramps and to bleed within the next week.  If I do I need to ring the early pregnancy unit and they are open 24/7 and will advise me.  

We walked out in a daze passing a few expectant mothers which felt surreal as one minute I was part of the pregnant club and then the next I wasn't.  I didn't dare to look back as I walked past the lady on reception who had been lovely when we arrived.  Rich and I walked back to the car with tiny bits of conversation.  I knew the first thing I needed to do was ring my parents, they would be worried.  How do you tell them their tiny grandchild has probably died weeks ago?  Unless for some miracle my dates are wrong but if the baby was 7 weeks 3 days as they thought it would have had a heartbeat - or should it definitely have been detected?  My head was so muddled.  

8th June - the day after and I'm now starting to realise the enormity of what's happening.  I cried so much last night I was actually relieved as I thought I'd run out of tears but then I somehow found some more.  I phoned the early pregnancy unit where I'm meant to be having the second scan on Thursday to ask two things, firstly if the baby measured 7 weeks 3 days then would it definitely have a detectable heartbeat and the other if I absolutely had to wait a whole week for the scan to confirm it had died.  I was told that they would definitely be able to detect a heartbeat so I knew for sure that our baby has died.  I cried again to the woman on the phone as she said its protocol to have to wait a week but since I know there's no heartbeat, I know I will have to spend the week with our dead tiny baby still inside me, just waiting to have it 100% confirmed.  I'm still going to the toilet regularly and my boobs are still sore only this time my toilet visits are always a terrifying experience as I wait for that first drop of blood and I know the miscarriage is on its way, I've been told is highly likely to happen before the second scan.  

It's the 9th June at 5am and I'm lying in bed silently crying.  Rich had a particularly rough evening last night which I think was a combination of being completely emotionally exhausted and reality hitting that we won't have our Christmas baby as we expected.  He cried as he wrote the words to his boss (who knew we were pregnant) that the baby was expected to have a heartbeat at that size and we knew now that there was virtually no hope.  He told me it was so painful to actually write it down but I know it was something he needed to do to come to terms with it.  He's such a positive person that he would have clung to any hope but I had to break it to him so that he's not broken all over again at the second scan.  I'm already writing it down by doing this blog post but he doesn't know this yet.  I'm trying to think logically so we spoke about what's expected to happen and how he wants to handle if I miscarry naturally at home.  I knew it was going to be a painful conversation but I felt it was necessary.  Did he want to see it?  Do we flush it?  I didn't think I could cope with just flushing it away and it was something he hasn't got his head into thinking yet.  In the end we decided if it happens naturally we would want to bury it but as we are in a rented house it would be best to get a lovely big pot and a plant and have Dot buried in that.  Actually I'm not sure I've told you but we nicknamed it Dot from the moment I found out.  The midwife at 9 weeks encouraged us to name it to help with bonding but we already had.  Two other painful thoughts are that we had bonded with it and that by the time I was visiting the midwife for the first time and filling out forms, our baby had died a fortnight previously.  I had been excitedly chatting away to her telling her I had no bleeding - not even a drip and she seemed pleased with that.  She was such a lovely woman that I was glad to have her with me throughout my pregnancy but we hope to be trying again soon so I would love to have her again.  That's the thing, we already know that once we have said goodbye to Dot properly we will be back here again only this time a million times more scared.  

As I lay here I want to take some sort of positivity from our sadness and that is that Rich and I are even more closer than we were before.  We are a strong couple, if you follow my snapchat (@liverpoollashes) you'll see us both regularly and see what we have together.  We are both going through divorces and are so happy that we found each other, I'm proud of our relationship.  We bicker all of the time but that's normal eh?  Right now though we are there for each other, no one in this world can quite feel how we feel about losing Dot and that is helping us bond and get through it together.  I also hope that our divorces are both final by the time our second pregnancy is close to that magic 40 weeks mark and that we are free to marry, that would be the icing on the top of a very delicious cake for us, I'd be honoured to be his wife as he's such a good man.  

For now though, I have to stay present in the reality that is now.  We've googled plants that have "Dot" in the name as my mum suggested as we want to have the plant there ready.  If it turns out it doesnt happen naturally and I need a D&C then we would still want something in memory.  I want to point out that I'm conscious that some might not understand how this feels or why I would want to do this for something that happened so early on in a pregnancy but for me a little life formed, a little tiny person with both mine and Rich's genes grew from a group of cells undetectable to the naked eye to the size of a raspberry.  A week on Sunday is Father's Day and Rich said last night that it's all he can see everywhere and he's sick of it.  I told him he is a father, he has a 9 year old son from his marriage but that we also had Dot.  It might have only been 12 weeks (in our minds) and six of those knowing I was pregnant but Rich looked after Dot's mummy so well in that time he deserves the title, he is a dad to one and was a daddy to be to our little raspberry sized baba.  The irony is we conceived on Mother's Day, how awesome is that?  I've spent all of my twenties thinking I would never be able to get pregnant and my body decided that I would get a ticket to the parent club on Mother's Day.  

I think the hardest thing is telling people or not.  Obviously like many you wait for the scan photo to do the big announcement so only our closest friends and family knew beforehand.  Do you tell people you were pregnant but now you've miscarried/ about to miscarry?  Is this why no one talks about miscarriage as they don't want people to feel awkward?  I just don't know.  Today I decided to message my brother to tell him that I had been pregnant and what has happened and he's just phoned now to say if we need anything etc which is nice as we aren't particularly that close and of course, there isn't anything he can do.  In my own opinion (I know everyone's different) but I couldn't bear to put a status up on Facebook sayings "oh yeah by the way, we were expecting but it's died," it's just not my style.  I also realise that a lot of people in my "real life" follow my blog and as there has been no big announcements, this blog post will come as a shock.  

I've declared today - 9th June as a "no tear" day.  Rich can cry if he needs to, he's taken it so hard but I want no tears today.  I want this to continue until circumstances change and we either miscarry or I have to have a D&C but if we do get to next Thursday then I will certainly cry my heart out at the second scan but it is a day that Rich and I will both have to work ourselves up to.    

We are now on the 10th of June which holds a bizarre place in my mind, today is the 8 year anniversary of deciding (at the time with my husband) to try and start to conceive.  Every year this date has come around but this year is different, I know it can happen for Rich and I, Dot proved it, I have hope.  I actually made it all day yesterday without crying which was a success.  I am however plagued by something I realised last night and I have to talk about it.  I am signed up for the forum Mumsnet and although I don't post there much and mainly just read, it popped up with my previous posts yesterday.  One of them was when was exactly 7 weeks 2 days pregnant, the day before our baby's heart stopped and I'm talking about how the symptoms seem to have gone away and the only thing I have left is sore boobs. I wasn't very sick anyway but the sickness had gone and the thumb like pressure I felt in my lower stomach had gone.  Many replied to me saying pregnancy symptoms come and go and since I still had sore boobs I thought nothing more of it but of course now I know Dot died and I should have trusted my instinct.  Next time I would insist on speaking to someone and seeing if I could get an early scan, I know there would probably have been nothing they could do but it would have saved us continuing on this journey happily for five weeks completely obvilious to the reality of what had happened.  

It's now Monday 12th of June and I wanted to update where I am and also where I think Rich is.  Together I feel like we came to a calming point since Friday, I had a Scentsy party on Saturday night and I believe he did struggle with his mind wandering whilst he was home alone and upsetting him but on the whole, do you know what?  We are doing good.  I feel like we are both reached a point that we are ready to say goodbye to our little Dot and although having the scan again will bring the emotions back on Thursday, the quicker we can see about speeding up the miscarriage process the quicker we can heal and move forwards.  Rich's area manager sent us flowers which we received today.  I'm terrible with flowers, they'll probably not last very long here but it's a lovely thought.  


I've woken up today, Tuesday 13th of June and it's starting to bring me down again.  I thought about this sunday, Father's Day and how I was going to get a card for Rich from bump before we found out there was no heartbeat.  I was telling my friend Clare that I am conscious people will think "but it was only a tiny tiny tiny baby, still being formed" but for me it was a little piece of Rich and I and Dot existed.  After Dot is gone I refuse to dwell on what's happened, I know I'm not alone and plenty of others go through this.  Dot will never be forgotten but I know we will heal and move on to trying again.  I just have to get through this scan on Thursday to be told all over again Dot is not alive.  I've managed to cast aside the one thing that I thought would freak me out the most, that I am walking around with a dead fetus inside me but I feel like much longer and I may start to struggle with it.  It's been five days since we found out but it feels like five weeks, time ticks by so slowly.  

I'm still getting baby emails from various companies.  When you find out you're pregnant it's easy to go mad and download loads of pregnancy apps and register for all kinds.  The pain of receiving my emails this week to say I'm "thirteen weeks pregnant and this is what the baby should look like now" is too much.  I've clicked to unsubscribe or deleted the app if I can.  Some have been really difficult to update which annoyed me as I don't need to see any more perfect babies just to navigate to the right bit.

Today is the 14th of June, exactly a week has gone by since our world tipped upside down.  Rich has been working most of the day so that's kept him busy, I have been at home doing jobs.  As I write this I'm literally at the start of the 24 hour countdown to the scan.  I already know what they're going to say about Dot but it's how they're going to suggest to sort things out I'm nervous about.  I'm hoping for tablets to get things going, yes it will be painful and yes it's the slower option but I really do not want a D&C.  I know that it's a quick surgery but I want to avoid being knocked out if I can, the thought of it freaks me out.  Another thing I have to think about is that I'm set to return up north in two days time for the weekend to see my family and do my clients.  I know on the scheme of things, work isn't important and my clients said that themselves but since I can only return once a fortnight it will thrown everything off if I can't make it.  I'm so grateful to have a job that I can work from home, Scentsy has been such a lifeline since I joined in December.  I joined with the intention of gaining an income that could work around pregnancy and a new baby and I know I will still have that, just not with Dot.  I will be nervous tonight, anxious about having to go through this tomorrow but I am strong - I don't have any other option.

It's midnight on the morning of the 15th June and I'm lying here in bed.  Rich is asleep next to me, he's been working all day and he's very tired.  I have tears rolling down my face as I think of what lies ahead of me today and over this next week or so.  One thing that I keep thinking of is if I will be able to find the words to ask the sonographer for a scan photo.  Dot was only little but you could see the shape of the little bean-like baba, I just want a record for myself.  I'm not sure if they will say yes or if I will manage to squeak the words out but I'll try.  I'm petrified of what they're going to do to remove Dot, none of the options seem remotely easier to me right now, I'm very worried.  This past week has been calm after our initial upset last week, to a certain extent the dust is settled and we have accepted it but now it's going to all get dragged up again, the emotion is going to run higher than it's been before as we deal with the last part of this pregnancy.  Everywhere I look is all about babies and in a way, I'm not bitter, I'll have ours but if they could lay off the announcements and pram chat around me, that would be great.  Of course today is going to be even worse than any advert or announcement on Facebook as this time it will pregnant ladies around me and pregnancy posts on the walls at the early pregnancy unit.  It's a different place than the first scan so we will be taken to their version of "the sad room" to discuss how they plan to remove Dot from me.  Mum told me yesterday on FaceTime that she thinks I'm not fine like I say I am and who knows at this point.  

It's now approaching midnight and it has been certainly been quite a day.  Firstly hospitals are mazes and we ended up getting completely lost, meanwhile the clock was ticking as I hate being late for anything and I didn't need the added stress.  Obviously I have already thought of every detail of what I knew would happen so the first one happened when we walked into the waiting area.  I expected to see pregnant women everywhere which would potentially upset me but instead there was one lady who was around 20 weeks and two other women, all close to tears like I was, this spoke volumes to me as we all avoided eye contact.  When I was finally called in I was surprised to see three ladies in the ultrasound room who were all very kind and compassionate.  Oddly one of them ran through some questions for me before the scan starting with "how have you been?" which I legimately did not know how to answer so I choked something out about not having a single drop of blood so far as I figured she wanted to know if the miscarriage started.  I thoroughly expected for them to go straight for the internal scan but they decided to check through my stomach first.  Rich says she picked up Dot slightly on the monitor but still decided to do an internal.  Before I lay back on the bed I did manage to ask if it was possible to have a photo and this seemed no problems at all.  I had already said to the three ladies that I was basically just waiting for them to tell me again Dot had died and after scanning me the words were said and this time, I didn't cry.  Rich was crying, he told me later he had kept that tiny bit of hope and I think that's why we reacted differently as I just knew for sure.  

Underwear and leggings back on it was time to sit down and discuss my options.  I could either keep it completely natural and wait to miscarry.  I dismissed this option almost instantly since my body hadn't realised after 6 weeks since Dot had died I had no faith it was going to happen any time soon.  My next option was "medical management" which is the tablets, one that had to be taken orally in hospital there and then and then four that had to be taken vaginally two days later which I should then miscarry within the six hours afterwards.  I could do the second part at home or in hospital as a day patient.  My third option was surgery to remove Dot.  I opted for the tablets and to do the second stage at home.  I explained I was away up north working and visiting family for the weekend so we've arranged to go in on Monday morning for the initial tablet and then Wednesday should be the day it all happens.  I am also picking up cocodemol for pain relief and antibiotics to help fight infection. Finally it was time to have my very first blood test and I was so nervous that I started doing my one woman comedy routine with the nurse which is my version of a "fight or flight mechanism."  We left the hospital and drove straight to Miller & Carter as I adore that place and haven't had steak in so long as I refuse to have it well done!

We looked at our scan photos of Dot later and I have to say that's definitely not Dot's best angle!  Rich saw much clearer images on the screen and we both did on the first scan but I'm pleased that we have our two photos of Dot nevertheless.  
 
 
I don't want to get ridiculously soppy on you I want to say what a true man Rich is.  He's a very emotional person which I love, he feels things deeply.  To some they might think that him crying won't help me but it really has, he needs to let those emotions out and in a way I also need to see that I am not just feeling this grief on my own, Dot was wanted so much by us both.  He has taken care of me so much, in so many ways and has been truly there by my side.  You may say "as he should do" and of course that's true but I know many men (I mention no names) that would have no idea how to comfort and support me.  Rich has shown he is my best friend, by my side, holding my hand when he sees that I'm getting scared or breaking down, protecting me in every way he can.  He is really anxious about the tablets on Wednesday as I have shown him information of useful advice by others who had gone through a miscarriage.  Together we are virtually planning for a war with talks of locking all doors and windows, curtains closed and we shall sit and watch films whilst we wait for the storm and it's aftermath to happen.  Rich's work colleagues have managed to cover most of his Weight Watchers classes for the trips to hospital and Wednesday as I am told that I am not allowed to be alone during this time, just incase I need to be rushed to hospital. As you can imagine right now I feel pretty rough, I've put on weight and as Dot is still there I hardly feel attractive but yet Rich tells me in so many ways that I am.  


Sunday 18th of June, Father's Day, a day we had been dreading.  I don't want to be making a huge fuss of this for years to come but I wanted a little something to give to Rich so I got him some Caramac and wrote on it "happy fathers days from someone small x" My Dad opened his presents from us as we were up there with them and that's when we received some devestating news.  In a closed Facebook group full of fellow nail techs I saw a post that I read at least three times before I remotely could comprehend what it said.  My friend Clare, who I've mentioned already in this post, had a beautiful little daughter called Charlotte who was seven months old.  Charlotte had died suddenly earlier this morning without warning from suspected SIDS.  I started shaking, I couldn't believe what I was reading.  Clare's Facebook had been full of photos of a family day out yesterday with smiley Charlotte lighting up each photo.  I absolutely would never wish this on anyone but this happens to people you don't know, thankfully rarely but it's never anyone you know and care about personally is it?  Until now.  When people say about "finding the words" to say I truly know what that means now, Clare has helped me through this and was messaging me last night to check up on me.  Our situations are totally different and I absolutely would never compare mine to hers, she has gone through the entire pregnancy, labour and got to know her beautiful daughter - far more heartbreaking than mine.  We got home back to South Wales later that night to find a gorgeous bouquet of flowers has been sent to us by Clare and had arrived yesterday whilst we were away.  I was hurt that she had been comforting me whilst completely unaware of what was to happen to her family.  My mind is now constantly thinking of her and their family, it really puts into perspective how fragile life is.

 
Monday 19th June and Rich and I are heading to the hospital.  The duty nurse comes to a "quiet room" (aka, sad room) with us clutching a A4 sized plastic NHS bag of medication and a glass of water.  She goes over what everything on the bag was for.  I thought to myself that this is like an NHS version of those lucky bags you get as a child only less fun and probably pretty expensive contents.  In there was the tablet that I had to take in hospital although I was still baffled that they couldn't just give me it all Thursday since the rest I was being trusted with to take at home.  Every medical person I'd spoken to had made out that it was Wednesday's dose taken vaginally that would actually cause me to miscarry so this one today seemed less of a big deal if you get me?!  Along with that in my NHS lucky bag was Wednesday's four tablets that all get stacked on top of each other and then go on the nifty looking applicator and go as high up near my cervix as I can get, two different types of antibiotics that I am to take today to prevent infection and some jelly lube to help insert Wednesday's dose.  She also asked me about covering for our bed and gave us a sheet similar to a large puppy training pad which was kind of her.  

Rich and I went food shopping after the hospital and basically starting preparing for war.  We had no idea what to expect, I'd read it was a lot of blood and all kinds about sudden gushes that soaked trousers through so we bought simple food to cook, big bottles of water as it's currently a heatwave over the next few days (worst timing ever) and covered our bed in extra sheets to protect it.  Around six hours after taking the tablets I suddenly realised I had an odd feeling in my lower back near my coccyx. The best way for me to describe it was like when the dentist numbs your cheek and you can feel it being touched but not as it normally does, only down around my coccyx.  I knew then that that was no coincidence and the tablet must have done something.  Everyone we had spoken to during this process said that I could expect spotting after the first tablet and I could go to work as normal, it was the Wednesday dose that I needed someone with me just incase I passed out or lost so much blood that I needed to be rushed to hospital.  I know that being told this was the thing that scared Rich and I the most, hence the war preparation. 

Tuesday 20th June - where do I start?  Rich and I have his son with us Monday to Wednesday mornings so he dropped him off at school and Rich had a day of Weight Watchers meetings ahead of him.  I woke up at 5am with cramps which we were told was normal, when I went to the loo it was my very first sign of blood.  I started shaking because despite everyone saying it would just be "like a heavy period" I knew it wasn't, it was our Dot making it's way out of my body. It also wasn't spotting but the type of blood that wouldn't soak a sanitary towel if you get me.  I had already prepared and starting putting them on just incase by that point.  I got back in bed and told Rich that Dot was on the way, I figured I would put up with light bleeding today and that's when it dawned on me, I would have to insert the tablets tomorrow whilst bleeding so I hoped it wouldn't effect it or make it more difficult.  

Rich went to work and I had Scentsy orders to deliver to Jody who was an hour and a half round trip away.  Jody knew was happening and did offer to come collect them at the weekend. I didn't want anyone to have to wait for their orders and in my mind, I would only be spotting, my car would be air conditioned so I would have that time out of the 30 degrees at home.  As the morning progressed I did have cramps but nothing too awful.  The house was getting hotter so at midday I left to deliver the orders.  I did go back into the house as I thought it was sensible to take my bottle of water with me but that was all.  As I drove further away from home I started to have a sense of dread - what was I doing?  My miscarriage has started, although it wouldn't be happening until tomorrow I could still bleed all over my car, I didn't have any painkillers with me and I would be far from home.  I then started to panic as I realised I probably shouldn't be doing this and the cramps were still there. As I got closer to Jody's house I realised I just needed to get the boxes dropped off and then I could count down the minutes until I was home.  I dropped the boxes off super fast and got back into my car.  The heat wasn't helping and I realised I was starting to lose focus with my driving.  The pain was getting worse at this point with a few sharp stabbing pains.  I kept my sat nav on the whole way as although I knew a lot of it I couldn't concentrate on the road at all, I was constantly looking at the estimated time of arrival and even when it got to 8 minutes left I was giving all I had to get home.  Things got so bad with the pain that there were points that I started talking to myself saying things like "See? only 8 minutes left and you'll be home and near the toilet" and I was speaking out loud what I was going to do when I got out of the car.  In the end I got home, climbed out of the car and tried my best to shuffle calmly towards the front door.  I walked in and went straight to my NHS lucky dip bag on the table grabbing it, the house phone, my mobile phone and my bottle of water and went into the downstairs toilet.  I was in a lot of pain but at least I was home.  Eventually I got up and went into the living room.  I sat on a leather footstool because I was so frightened of an explosion of blood so I knew I could wipe it up.  I took a cocodemol tablet and started leaning over the footstool, wriggling in pain.  Just then my mum face timed to see how I was, this was the last thing she needed to see as I was white as a sheet and panicking.  Eventually I went back to the toilet, as I sat there and felt drips and then suddenly something big fell with a loud "plop" into the toilet.  I knew there and then it was Dot but did I dare to see it?  I sat there not moving.  I'm screaming in my head "This wasn't meant to happen today!  The tablets tomorrow was meant to do this when I had Rich with me!  What if I pass out?  I'm all alone."  Eventually I turned around and I knew it, I knew that had to be Dot. It was a huge mass about the size of my fist.  Rich was at least 45 minutes from home so my next thought was "now what?" We had planned to bury Dot rather than flush but did either of us her the strength to get Dot from the toilet? I didn't think I could and the more I thought of it, I didn't think Rich could - it would break him.  It hadn't dawned on me that also the toilet would be full of blood making it even more of an awful task.  I messaged Rich and I just said "phone me as soon as you can."  He rung minutes later and I tried to stay calm enough to tell him that the pains had gotten really severe very quickly and that I thought I had passed Dot.  I didn't want him to drive dangerously just to get home to me but equally I needed him by my side.  I didn't want to ask him over the phone what we were going to do with Dot so I waited until he got back.  I kept asking him how long he would be but the pain was rippling through me.  I tried to take another cocodemol but as I put it in my mouth I had the urge to throw up and managed to throw up water and bile all over our tiles on the kitchen wall.  I was trying to talk to let him know I hadn't passed out or anything but my words were getting mumbled as I tried my best not to throw up again.  What felt like an eternity later he arrived at home and came through the door with a matching pale expression.  He kissed me on the forehead and asked what I needed of him.  I have no idea what my reply was but I knew he would need to build up to looking into the toilet and deciding what to do.  Eventually Rich and I decided it would be more traumatic to have to get Dot out of the toilet and that the plant pot we had bought would be more of just something to remember Dot by.  We both stood there when I flushed it but also, I know that we said our goodbye and that we must move on from this.

Wednesday 21st June and it's the day I thought our miscarriage would actually happen.  We phoned the early pregnancy unit yesterday and asked them if I still need to insert the second dose of tablets since it seemed I had passed Dot (which by the way - they refer to as "the product") We have been advised to still take the tablets vaginally as advised just incase it has not all been removed so I nervously put the tablets into the special applicator.  I was apprehensive all week to take these as I felt the information given from the hospital was that these would be what would do it so I worried what it would do to me.  Either way, it had to happen so I nipped the loo first as I knew I had to lay down for an hour.  All done and after the hour I got up and went to the loo (I'm female, I'm always in the loo) and was shocked to find one of the tablets had come out.  Rich and I figured that three staying would be okay so we carried on with our day and nothing happened.  The bleeding at this point I would say was fairly light.  I'm someone who has dealt with seriously heavy painful periods in my teens so this was light to me.  

I woke up on Thursday 22nd June and went to the loo to find that the other three tablets dropped out.  I couldn't believe it and naturally it started running through my mind that if I had need to take those tablets to finish this process off then I may need to have a D&C afterall and that is not what I want if I can avoid it.  I contacted the early pregnancy unit and explained what had happened over the past few days.  The lady I spoke to was lovely and said that my description of a fist sized clump sounded like I had lost Dot on Tuesday, that the tablets can sometimes come out and don't always dissolve but just need to be in for an hour to work.  I felt relieved!  I did also talk to her about the light bleeding as I was under the impression it would happen for up to 7 - 10 days but she said that everyone is different, it does sound like that Dot has gone so I can expect for it to get lighter but not to be concerned if it does get slightly heavier again before it stops. 

Today I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting with Rich since it happened on Tuesday.  I go there to help out and figured I would be fairly safe there as m everyone is lovely.  Since we found our baby had no heartbeat I've seen plenty of babies, children and pregnant women and it's been okay.  The one thing I wasn't banking on was seeing one person who had gotten pregnant a few weeks after me.  We don't normally see her anymore and whilst it's not her fault she will of course want to talk about her pregnancy which she's entitled to do.  Seeing her left me speechless and upset, I squeaked out some words but it just wasn't what I needed when I feel so fragile and raw about it all.  One of the members brought me flowers, she didn't know what had happened but knew that Rich and I weren't there last week and one of his colleagues had covered the meeting.  In my heart I feel that she must have known what had happened as she had tears in her eyes as she gave me them and hugged me.

 
It's now Friday 23rd June and apart from the very faint pains I've been okay, still bleeding but pretty light.  I figured that everything was healing and the process was nearly complete.  What shook me was I went to the toilet and whilst I was doing "the business" so to speak, I thought I could feel some thing coming out of me.  With a plop I felt it so when I turned around to see I was shocked to see something else had come out, totally different to Tuesday and this, without trying to be too graphic, was like a toilet roll textured deflated balloon or sack.  It looked quite long but it might have been as it was now in water and formed that shape.  I couldn't believe that I had something else come out and this worried me so I phoned the early pregnancy unit and the nurse I spoke to said to me that what I described sounded very normal, she wasn't concerned at all and people find all different looking parts will pass. 

It's Sunday 25th June and I'm fed up if I'm honest.  The bleeding has virtually stopped but it's just giving me an annoying pink tinge when I've been to the toilet.  I just want it to be done so I can move forward.  Miscarriage is hard enough to deal with but in my case, since I knew this was going to happen since the 7th June at the first scan, I'm 18 days into this whole situation and it's starting to feel never ending.  I was told I could bleed for up to 7 - 10 days so I know it's been 6 days since it started but it's the fact it's just very watery pink and has been for ages, I just want it to stop.

Tuesday 27th June and I'm still wiping away pink tinges every now and again when I go to the toilet.  For those who say it's "like a period" it is to a certain extent but then it isn't because my periods seem to go lighter to completely stopping within a day normally and this has been like this for around four days now but I know it's normal.  Physically in every other way I feel fine, my sore boobs have gone and I am now waiting to do a pregnancy test in just over two weeks to confirm it's negative so that we know that the miscarriage is complete.  

Now, I wanted to put together a few recommendations of things I did to cope with my miscarriage.  Sadly I'm not the first person to experience this and I certainly won't be the last but I did have a couple of things I did which I think helped.

  • In terms of prep, if you were in the same boat as me and knew a miscarriage was on the cards I recommend you getting various sanitary towels ready.  I did also buy maternity towels but it certainly wasn't heavy enough that I needed them but I believe some people do need it.
  • When the miscarriage happened and I started to bleed I got a large make up bag and I put in it my sanitary towels, nappy bags, painkillers and baby wipes.  I did this so that I had all of my essentials together if I was going to be moving between the upstairs and the downstairs loo.  I found it handy because I was anxious that Rich's son would see any of it in the downstairs toilet if I was down there as there's no cabinet and I knew I had everything with me if things got that bad and I needed to camp out in there.  
  • Sleeping in something like a pair of leggings is fab to keep your sanitary towels secure and help prevent leaks.  
  • Sitting on a puppy pad on my fabric sofa could be a good move or you could sit on a bin bag - how classy?!  I want to stress though that I didn't leak once as my bleeding just wasn't that heavy.
  • Cry if you want to cry but try to find positives where you can.  At some point you will find a positive in what's happened.  I personally feel stronger, I have coped with this both emotionally and physically and I am more confident in the process of pregnancy which may sound odd but before I wasn't keen on being in hospital or the thought of having a blood test but I have done both.  I also know that by the time our next pregnancy happens I will be further along in my Scentsy business, have lost some weight, saved some money and Rich and I are even stronger than ever before.
  • Deal with this how you feel you need to deal with it, if you feel you want to talk about it, do it, if you feel you need to keep it between you and your other half, that's fine too.
  • Be prepared for people to say random things that may hurt you.  It's almost certainly not their intention but they're trying to find something to say to you, it's a sensitive subject and emotions run high.  I don't want to give any examples here of things said to me but I'll just say that regardless of how little your baby was, it was still a baby to you and have a right to talk about it as it is and grieve the loss of it also.  
  • It may be an idea to gather some essentials together if you need to go to hospital as it will be the last thing you'll be thinking of.  
  • Be prepared to bleed far longer than you thought, it will hopefully be light like mine but that stage drags out far too long!
I don't want to dwell on this time of my life for the rest of my life.  It was sad, we were upset and we questioned why it happened but I wrote this post as my support and coping mechanism for everything I was thinking and feeling at the time which did help.

To Dot - I held you every second of your life.  I will move on from this but I'll never forget you.  

5 comments:

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  2. My love goes out to you and Rich xx

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  3. Hi Karen just wanted to say my thoughts are with you we are going through this at the moment after trying previously 6 years with my ex and luckily only 4 months with current we were lucky to cocieve.. our scan was the 23rd with our squidge due on the 9th of January would have been 11+3 we're told baby had stopped growing between 8 and 9 weeks after having an early scan at 7 weeks and seeing a little tiny blob moving with a heart beat was a horrible shock and I am now having to push the early pregnancy unit as the tablets have not worked and they are refusing to give me a second dose and saying that having a bleed that lasted no longer than 4 hours is normal. I hope your experience ends soon and wish you a healthy happy pregnancy in the future and sending my love to your for in the sky with our squidge xx

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  4. Sending big hugs to you and Richard.No words can ease your pain that you are both feeling and my heart goes out to you and everyone else who has or is going through this awful time. Take care and good luck for when you are ready for another little Dot.xxx

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  5. Reading your post brought back so many memories of my own personal experience. I had an ectopic pregnancy first and then at my scan of my second and long tried for baby, discovered baby was only 7 weeks no heartbeat. It's a feeling none of my immediate friendship group have ever had to go through. It's a feeling I can still recall now 7 yrs later.After 2 years of trying after my miscarriage I got blessed with my Christmas Day babe. There are rainbows at the end of the storm. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this and you are in my thoughts xx

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