I'm not myself right now, I'm not the person I used to be. I'm someone I don't think I'd recognise if I was to compare me now to the me at the start of the year. If you haven't read my blog post - Our Silent Miscarriage and you think you'll be okay reading it I've linked it here. Today is pregnancy and infant loss rembrance day and I wanted to mark this day, to speak out for those who haven't found the words, just to tell you at least my thoughts and feelings since our loss.
It's weird to think that at the start of the year I didn't think I would ever be able to get pregnant. I was virtually allowing the year and then planning to head to the doctors to be poked and prodded. Somewhere, out of nowhere I found my period a week late in April, which had happened before but only this time I had a faint positive pregnancy test. I have a short video of clip of when the Clearblue Digital actually said "pregnant 1 - 2 weeks" on my phone, oh how I cried reading the words I thought I would never see. "This is it" I thought, "it's my finally my turn to become a mummy!"
Today I would have been 32 weeks and 1 day into my pregnancy but I am not. I see pregnant women due a similar time to me but I am not expecting a little bundle of joy in time for Christmas, I will not be in a mother role in 2017 and I am not part of the parent club. I'm sure those in my situation will know what the parent club is, it's the elite club that makes some say things like "you wouldn't know, you haven't got kids" like I'm some sort of an idiot. I'm not trying to be funny when I say that, nor am I lumping everyone into that category but but imagine how much that hurts, nobody knows another person's struggles unless they say.
The pain is overwhelming sometimes, I can't decide what hurts more. It stings when I think that I was unable to keep my tiny baby away from harm because yes, it was a baby to me. A piece of me breaks a little further when I realise that that life had so much potential but was snuffled out at the early stages. I try to not hold on to the fact my body had absolutely no clue Dot had died, I almost feel silly for carrying on for five weeks with a dead tiny fetus inside me. I know I had no signs, not even a speck of blood but that's the cruelty that silent miscarriages do to people.
I am trying to look to the future and to the positive, there is no reason why I won't be pregnant again. I am telling you now I will shout it from the rooftops, regardless of how frightened I will be. Whilst I am more than aware it's highly likely I can get pregnant again, that doesn't stop me wanting the baby I thought we were expecting. If Dot had survived I was due on the 16th December 2017. Rich and I are just getting back on our feet financially and life is starting to get easier as I get very close to becoming a director with Scentsy which could even happen by Dot's due date. My strong team of 35 consultants keep me busy and it's such a good thing, it's what I need and is constantly growing. I want to make Dot proud of me, does that sound silly? I will grow my business and I will take Dot's Daddy, Rich on the Scentsy incentive trip with me next year on an all expenses paid cruise around the Mediterranean. I will make sure that we have a comfortable life, I don't want to have to worry about not being able to provide for any of Dot's siblings that may come along.
Some days the pain is so intense, I feel like I'm alone in this. All of my friends have children and virtually all of my Scentsy team have children but I do not. Everywhere I look I see children and happy families but I am left outside of the gates of parenthood, just waiting for that moment that it's finally my turn but I just don't know when that will be. In my heart I failed at keeping Dot safe but I cannot let this completely break me.